Conspiracy Theories, and Being Involved

Right, so I am now the official ACAD representative/go between person for the MRC Positive Space committee. I get to be an official invitee t omany of their events, and a whole bunch of other stuff. yay for me. I am proud. (that, for once isn't honestly sarcastic, it just comes out that way as a defensive habit)

I am averagivng a 4.0 in one of my classes and about a 1.98 or something in one of my other calsses. that class has me stressed and kinda makes me want to cry. It's impacting my performance, and not in a good way. I'm starting to pull back and not be proactive in that course (and, in fact in my classes in general) because I'm scared I'm going to fail horribly even though I am, in fact putting effort into it. see, I've failed things before, but always because I can't be bothered to do the work. this time I'm actually trying to be involved, and I'm still failing. that scares me in a way I don't know how to handle. it's not good. I really need to get someone to grab me, sit me down and make me do this so that I can get through the next assignment and hopefully it will be a little better, and then I won't be so stressed about it. But I have no one to sit me down, so it's up to me, and things are getting worse....fuck.

My mother thinks my crazy head doc is the one who started these "invisible freaks" on her. she thinks that Dr. F did it in order to learn more about me. So now my mother's insanity is my fault. and she wants us to become allies and never see Dr. F again and tell everyone that she's a bad doctor. This being perfectly timed, of course, with me and Dr. F finally starting to work deeper and get into the scary nitty gritty shit. y'know, the shit I haven't let anyone near ever. I've finally found someone I trust enough to go to the scary places, and my mother decides to blame that person, along with my needing that person, for her problems. I know some part of me loves my mother. I know this because I care about her, I want her to be happy, I do shit with her, and I worry about her. but she has managed to hurt me so much lately that I hate her. I hate her in a way that scares me. How can I feel this much anger for one of the supposedly most important people in my life? Some part of me wants to sever all my connections with her, but I never will. I am not willing to do something that I know will cost my mother so much. maybe that says more anbout me not putting myself first again or something, but still...'tis the truth.

Dr F, in our last session, said that I had a really shitty childhood. Whenever someone says something like that, I have a part of me that goes "yes, I did.", part of me that goes "fucking pity, my childhood was fine." and part of me that goes "what do you want that you're trying to soften me up with giving me this easy out?". I noticed it this time, and it made me wonder...did I have a shitty childhood? what consists of a good one? what consists of a bad one? what happened in mine that makes mine bad? Some part of me wants pointers from other people...but I know I won't believe I had a good or bad childhood till I think it through myself. I just don't have neough evidence and information to come up with a conclusion. what were my friends' childhoods like? the problem is that every person's story is going to be scewed not only by how they experienced it, but also by how they want me to understand it. I know this because I know I do it. I remember once I told MP tha tI couldn't believe she'd grown up without anything really "bad" happening to her. I suppose I still don't. mind you, she had some "bad" stuff happen that I know about now, but nothing directly intentionally damaging to her...that i know about. it just..there are people out there who grew up without someone hitting you, or molesting you, or without a cow trying to run you over or something? Did you ever kill your pet hamster or something? How do you make it through life without that happening? I don't know.

In good news, I got see George Stroumboulopoulos live giving a talk at SAIT. it was really cool. I appreciate him even more as a reporter now.

29.10.2006 - 18:12

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