Different I Know, Different I Don't

I'm oilier, I have the typical teenage boy acne (not severe thus far thankfully) my feet get the odd growing pains and I know the shit in my shorts has ~doubled in size. I smell different. My chest is a little bigger. DA tells me my arms look a little bigger.

My body is a battleground for hormones, trying to establish dominance with blood and sweat and whatever other bodily fluid happens to get in the way. I know I'm yo-yoing between angry teenager and giddy boy. Considering some of the things flying through my head, some of the plummets of insecurity and fear and self criticism, I think I'm doing alright in keeping the emotions on the outside at least watered down from what they could be.

Things have gotten strained between MP and I a little, Part of it is I know I need the support I had from her when this started, someone who could hold me down until I'd exhouseted all the walls holding the emotions bacl and could finally be held tight while I cried from being so scared of what was/is/will be happening to me. I knoe that she has her own life, I know she has her own problems, and that she can't always be holding me up. I know she refuses to make me the most important thing in her life, she's made that clear from the beginning. But a gap is growing, and I'm afraid of it because it feels like I'm trying to fill my side of it with hurt and contempt and anger. I don't know what's going on in her life generally because she son't tell me and I'm just too damned tired to put the effort in to pry it out of her. when we are together, often as of late she seems to be in a very jeuvanile headspace, which seems like it makes her happy, but drives me crazy aswell. it seems like the ways we each express happiness just aggravates the other one. which doesn't strike me as a good thing. Sex has become a problem, as things are physically changing, so too are the actions which work, and which don't. It seems like she's seeing this as a blow to her ego that we have to work together to re-learn what works and what doesn't. Am I wrong in thinking that it's better to be honest as opposed to faking it and making it seem like she's still a pro? yet when I asked her if she'd be willing to take some time with me to explore, and find what does work now, she made some comment about finding the time to do it. ten, fifteen minutes every two days or so would probably help a lot in figuring out what is good and what isn't. but we don't have time to do that..? She's been sleeping a lot more lately. I'm hoping it's just the heat, but it too is a little frustrating... I've always had a problem with people falling asleep on me. DA can attest to that. I feel like I'm being left behind, which is a bad, bad feeling for me. Still don't know what happened to me as a child that being left behind is so terrifying, but it is.

Gonna get the dirt bike cleaned up with my father, go out on the track, throw myself off of it a few times...has been a long, long time since we last did anything with the bike. it will be good. a bonding thing. Jas said she thought it would be cool to try sometime, so I told her she could come down tothe track with me sometime. Skpoe with MP about it too, and she sounded interested, but not so much in the "I want to be involved" way. maybe I'm wrong. maybe I'll be bitched out later for not inviting her. *shrugs* whatever. regardless, I want to go a few times with just me and my father first, get into the swing of things before getting others involved. Hell, we're gonna have to take at least a day to change the oil and gas and stuff anyway. And knowing me, to clean the fucker up a bit...which is stupid since it's a dirt bike, thus it rides in the dirt, ergo, dirty, but still. Same idea as polishing my boots just to go play PB in them. want to go grab some boots for biking in, but at the same time I don't wanna drop the cash before my feet have hit whatever size they're going for. seems like a waste of money otherwise.

But I'm rambling, and I have to work tomorrow. So I'm off. hope everyone has a good night.

06.07.2006 - 23:23

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