Lost

During my (daily) phone conversation with my mother tonight, there was a man's voice in the background. and she asked me what that was and I said it wasn't on my end. which was the stupidest thing because that set her off again on the invisible freak and how now I had heard it. I don't know. maybe it's someone outside her house, maybe it's someone fucking with her, maybe we caught some interference since she has an old as fuck cordless phone and I'm using a cell (which don't catch interference that often, but it's not impossible) Maybe there really is an invisible freak. I don't care. I'm sick of being the only person who has to listen to my mother. I'm sick of not being able to stop her. I'm sick of just watching her get worse, and watching her do things she never used to do. I'm sick of daily phonecalls where most of it is rambling that is either ranting about the invisible people (which happens at least once a call) or about every detail of what she did that day, or what the boys are doing, plus her opinions and thoughts in their full process on these matters. I CAN'T FIX THIS. Why am I the only person holding this shit up? No, I know why. it's because I don't want to shovvel this shit onto my brothers, and i know they already get more than they need from her. and she doesn't trust anyone and won't let anyone in because that's the nature of this. She won't take drugs...which I can appreciate, I've taken those drugs too. they're not cool...but...I don't knkow what else to do. I can't help her, but neither can anyone else. So what happens when she finally does decide to shove those chopsticks in her ears? what happens if she decides to make sure she dies on her birthday? what happens when the anger that makes her throw things around her house comes out at someone? comes out at herself?

Can I have a week where I don't talk to her more than once? Can it be a week where that happens because she didn't call, not because I ignore her call and feel guilty for that? Where I don't have to worry about her?

Not to mention I have my own shit piling up for things I've ignored. Fuck. I have forms to fill out, things to change, letters to write, meetings to have with managers...and I don't know how to do any of this shit. I don't know what to write, or who to send them to, or which places to talk to and which places won't change till later, or...which I shouldn't change at all.

I need a pause button.

25.05.2006 - 22:27

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