Sputter

Still alive. sick sick. cold's getting worse because I've been getting up early to work long (usually) days though not as long as the crazy people in this house. but still no sleep prior, and things are falling appart. My mother's driving me insane because she calls nearly every day and hounds me to get a new job that doesn't stress me out so bad. problem no 1: hard to job hunt when you're working. 2: a good deal of that stress will follow me no matter where I go because it's my stress about passing, and that's got nothing to do with what the job is so much as having to convince large numbers of people to believe what I want them to. This would be easier if the fucking endo bastard would call already.

I'm just generally feeling angry at everything and anything right now. that comes with work. I think actually, that part has to do with the actual job. there's something about a job where you get stuck in isolation while still being surrounded by people, and generally feeling like the odd one out because that's the culture of the Bank world, and then when not being surrounded byu that, instead being innundated by men having pissing contests, who are unbelievably violent, and unbelievably un-accepting of anything beyyond their narrow view of the world that tends to make me into an even larger asshole than I already am.

Flames lost... I have this strange contemptuous outlook on it. I am sad for the people I know who will take a negative blow from this, yet the part of me that feels so frustrated with the hockey world in general just for it existing and my placing blame on it because of how it affects those around me and thereby me...well I guess some part of me takes some pleasure from the hot shots of last season failing relatively badly this go round. One day I'll grow up and learn to let go of this anger.

I'm barely coherent. so I'm going to bed to be ill and try to fix that a little. I have three people who will actually make an effort to come play PB with me. not counting my brothers who don't really get a say in the affair...well I suppose they could ditch me if they wanted. Worse comes to worse I'll just play one on one with my father again. I don't need friends...

04.05.2006 - 00:19

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